being human, feels like...

by ​Natalia Kavourinou

What is it to be human?
 
For me, what best describes what it is (or better, feels like) to be human
is Caliban’s monologue in the S01E08 episode of Penny Dreadful:

“What dreams I had of my mate, of another being looking into these eyes, upon this face and recoiling not. But how can that happen? For the monster is not in my face, but in my soul. I once thought that if I was like other men I would be happy, and loved. The malignance has grown you see, from the outside in, and this shattered visage merely reflects the abomination that is my soul. Oh, my creator, why did you not make me of steel and stone? Why did you allow me to feel? I would rather be the corpse I was than the man I am. Go ahead, pull the trigger. It would be a blessing”.

So, what I understand from Caliban’s speech is that what human beings long for the most is connection. But we look for it in the wrong place.

We look for it externally, rather than internally. We set some expectations, based on what we see around us, as to what life we should live to be happy. But we are asking the wrong questions. We focus on set expectations, without leaving enough space for imperfection. We expect to feel wholeness, but there is no such thing, as there is always space for improvement. Something that is set. Instead of looking for meaning in the journey, in the learning, in the experiencing, in the thinking, we are looking for meaning in the having.

We actually don’t even look for improvement, but for perfection. We look for ways to fit in. At best, we look for ways to sell ourselves, an idea, so that we will get others to accept the reality we prefer. Slightly better than fitting in but still quite limiting. What we rarely look for is ways to extend our being, to disprove what we know. To allow a different reality to creep in. A reality that could help us grow.
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So, yes, we are looking for connection, even when with our behaviour we may end up disconnecting. Because this approach doesn’t allow us to explore our uniqueness, generously offer that to the world, and then allow the world to add to it. We are desperately trying to interpret what the world expects from us, and then we try to be it. How can we connect with others, if we cannot connect with ourselves first?